Males and people likely to boak should not read the following…
I was 21 and living in the Scottish Borders when I received my first appointment through the post explaining I was due a Smear. I didn’t think a great deal about it and was more worried about flashing my foof to a nurse than what the results would be! I’m now 23 (and a half), had 8 smears, one biopsy and some laser treatment. The reason I’m writing a blog on this is because, like a lot of people I was terrified when the first results came through, I would at least like someone to know someone else has gone through it too.
The first smear was fine. I was a barrel of nerves and think I must have washed about 6 times in the shower to make sure I was as clean as possible… last thing you want when you take off your knickers is green fumes coming out of them! The nurse was lovely and explained the procedure well to put me at ease. So I wasn’t too surprised when the nurse asked me to strip my bottom half, lie on the bed, bend my legs and with my feet together let my knees drop as low as possible. Thank goodness I’m Flexible! I was still a wreck with nerves so wasn’t overly amused when the duck clamps appeared. Duck clamps go in you, they then ease you open, smear taken, job done! Wait four weeks for the result. Well my result would be fine… wouldn’t it?
Got to admit the panic set in when the results landed on my door step, it only increased when I read ‘Inconclusive’. What did this mean? Thankfully a friend calmed me down and explained in her best way possible that actually this was really normal for a lot of women and not to panic, it merely meant they didn’t get enough cells. Back for Smear number two.
Number two was much the same but with the result ‘ABNORMAL CELLS’. Another panicked call to a friend who explained again this is a regular thing for a lot of people and I’m not half Alien! It wasn’t till number three I had the urge to nut the nurse. After being violated by the duck clamps for a third time (baring in mind they cover them in cold jelly first just to make you shiver) she then stopped, looked up and casually asked how I felt! ”Well love, you’ve just inserted freezing cold plastic clamps into my lady hole, cracked me open and then paused for thought… I’m f**king fantastic” was what I would of liked to have said however I think I squeaked that I was fine instead.
Smear four and onwards were completed at the local hospital in a clinic I’ve never been able to pronounce. Col-pos-cop-y, or something to that effect. Being personally phoned by a Doctor and told you will be referred to the hospital is slightly terrifying and I was convinced they were going to tell me I had cervical Cancer. This is a tough thing to put out your mind as the wait between appointments is usually 6 months and my results continued to come back ‘Abnormal’.
By appointment number five I was aware they might take a Biopsy and having no pain threshold at all I had to drag my Mum along. Anyone who has had a smear done in the hospital might be aware that not only is the doctor looking inside you but they put it on a TV screen next to your head for you to see too. Lovely, always wanted to see inside my Vagina… My bucket list is complete! Got to admit the Biopsy hurt, not the first snip of flesh, but the second and third weren’t to comfortable. Oh and I forgot to mention… No sex for a month… A WHOLE MONTH! It sucks being female, give me a kick in the nuts any day.
I waited what felt like a life time for the results and even remember saying to my Mum that I wished they would just treat me and get it over and done with. As you can imagine by the time you’ve had five smears and a Biopsy you start to see things in a different light. The duck clamps have been more appropriately named ‘The Jaws of Death’! You can hear the quiet noise the clamps make when they are opening and it sounds fairly similar to an old fashion wind up toy. (After five visits you notice things in much more detail)! Well finally the results arrived and I had low grade something or other which yip you guessed it, lead to Smears number 6, 7 and 8!!!!!!!!!!
Seven was finally my treatment. My unsuspecting boyfriend had to chum me to this and thankfully as he was sitting at my head he did not have the view the Doctor had. However I seem to remember him making a comment when we came out about watching what they were doing on the TV screen and it being ‘cool’! Cool isn’t really how I would describe getting injections and then laser treatment to the Lady Garden. Although I was pleasantly surprised that the anaesthetic didn’t have the fact effect as it does in the Dentists. Yes it does numb things obviously, but after getting your teeth done you usually feel like your jaw is hanging off and feeling massive. Thankfully my lady parts didn’t feel massive or like they were falling out, so that was a big bonus. I felt so much better after having the treatment and have just attended my eighth appointment to get the results and find out if it worked. Fingers crossed it did and then I can go back every three years. If not then I’m back for yearly appointments and I guess more treatment.
I really wanted to write about this because although it sounds like I’ve had an ordeal can you imagine never knowing at 23 that your life could be at risk in the future? I at least can say I’ve been dealing with it and trying to prevent anything more serious developing and I really do urge others to do the same. Don’t be scared of the tests, it will be worth it in the end. Just remember one thing… do NOT ask the Nurse if they have any pads. You would think after eight smears I would remember my own one, nope! The Nurse pulled out what I can only describe as a gigantic cushion with the potential to absorb half the Pacific Ocean… At least I got a giggle.
Good Luck Ladies!
